With Vladimir Lenin’s birthday, more commonly known as earth day, right around the corner, I thought it would be fun to review different methods of expanding your carbon footprint.

Here are a few simple, cute and fun ways to Sasquathize your carbon emissions.

Note: I’m constantly on the road, living in hotels, but many of these methods will work just as well at home.

Never turn your television off.  I watch close to zero television.  But that doesn’t prevent me from turning on the tube, putting it on mute and reveling in the waste of electricity.  I particularly enjoy the horrified look on the faces of friends who return with me to my room after dinner only realize that I’ve left the T.V. on while we were out.

When stepping out for the evening be sure to leave 75% of the lights in your home on.

Leave your car on while running errands.  When I do make it home, I’m constantly running family members around town on errands.  I never turn the car off.  I like to keep myself warm in the winter and cool in the summer.

Whenever possible use leaded gasoline.

Use gas powered lawn equipment.  Start them up, all of them, and let them fly.  Just think, when you finally get around to using that gas powered hedge trimmer, it will already be warmed up.

When going on vacation, drive instead of fly.  Not only will you avoid being assaulted by The Stasi Amerika (TSA), you’ll burn a lot of gas too.  Think of what would happen if everybody opted to drive instead of fly to their destinations this summer. The Stasi Amerika would be deprived of 95 year olds to molest and steal $300 from and the size of your CFP would explode.

If you’re looking for a change of occupation, consider starting a farm with livestock.  Cows are generally the best because they supposedly emit the most methane.  Not only is starting a farm an excellent way of expanding your carbon footprint but it will probably relieve your stress and prove lucrative in the future.

These are just a few fun things to try in order to honor that great humanitarian, Vladimir Lenin, and pay homage to earth day.

Addendum: Driving around with the air conditioning on and the windows down is a very good idea as well.  Thanks Beazer!

-J.C Hays

“American By Birth-Southern By The Grace of God”